idk..

ive been getting a sense of fear
its not changing like we planned

has me reaching out for something thats not there
it this a free fall of faith?
of am i just falling cause there is no one there to catch me?

I hate having these thought in my head
i just cant keep them in any longer

"For real"

Some nights I thirst for real blood, for real knives, for real cries. And then the flash of steel from real guns in real life really fills my mind. Then I really miss what really did exist when I held your throat so tight. And I miss the bus as it swerved from us and almost came crashing to its side.
Sometimes the blood from real cuts feels real nice when it's really mine. And if you want it to be real, come over for a night, we can really, really climb, and those blue bridge lights might really burn most bright while we watch that dark lake rise. And if you really want to see what really matters most to me, we can just take a real short drive. Just a drive into the dark stretch, long stretch of night, will really stretch this shaking mind. And this room, unlit, unheated, and the ceiling striped, and the dark black blinds....
I want to know this time if you’re really finally mine. I need to know that you're not lying, and so I want to see you tried. And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn’t really be this way, because I like this way just fine. And there’s nothing quite like the blinding light when that curtain’s cast aside, and no attempt is made to explain away the things that really, really, really are behind.

ugh

i hate disappointment
been having some of that lately

trapped and anxious
blah blah blah!

Routine

Work..
blah blah blah blah
Luch
chomp chomp chomp Chomp
Work
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Free!

Tired

im tired of putting on a brave face..
i want to do something that benefits me..
forget the rest of the people..
damn this selfish desperation

on a seperate note..
thanks for the randomly fun weekend..
makes me happy that we can have fun doing nothing

Stupid dogs

so i was outside last night tossing the ball with my German Shepard charlie, while my father quickly went to go get my mother.
so im fairly entertained and all of a sudden my other dog fluxy just runs off and of course charlie follows.
i ended up chasing the dogs for about 20 minutes.
i hadnt run that much in a long long time
i felt like i was gonna die..
i guess the dog thinks i need to get in shape.
haha.
this is the song for the daY!
njoy!

Thank God

i hate the uncertainty
it leaves me eager and sleepless

but thankfully everything is great
just a scare..
a necessary one..

I miss her..

good morning!

Its a brand new day today!
lets go enjoy this wonderful weather!

I'm gonna buy a kite!
and fly it toooo!

song for the day!

Excitement

Im gonna go see this wonderful band this wednesday..
so stoked right now..
cant barely breath

Sleepless

One of those nights again..
Had an unexpected phone call at 2:30
wasn't uninvited or unpleasant in the least..
it just left me thinking, and wanting..

I wish i could make some people's minds change..
I'm a good person..
or i try to be..
not some sort of asshole that would ruin things purposely

I love my naranjita..
i'd change the world for her..
although she would never ask me to

Thank you for everything babe..

this is the song for the night..



sorry for the low quality audio
great song none the less

Cranky

Im in a bad mood..
to much to be done thats its over whelming..

on a seperate note..

Have been talking on the phone more often now..
it seems to be one long conversation..

been feeling more anxious lately though..
seem to be missing her more and more everyday..

Wish i could do something t0 help..
emotional support is good, wish i could do more though..

Hopefully this all changes soon..
cant express myself appropriately from a distance

for now ill just humm to this...



thanks for the help dann

Blaaah blaah

Chelo's was generous today..
thank you small businesses of amerika
chain food places tend to lose their flavor..
need to spice things up!
haha

Recording

went and recorded at nicks for the first time today..
in good company..
had some black coffee with sugar..
danny had some some sugar with black coffee..!
haha..

felt like a productive day today..